List your fetishes
Make a list of the your likes/dislikes. Pay attention to your fantasies, if you fantasize about a certain fetish frequently usually you will enjoy it in session. Categorize your list into things that you (a) know you like, (b) are willing to try, and (c) do not want to do. Don’t leave anything out because you are embarrassed or scared, wish you didn’t want it, think the Mistress will lose respect for you these mistakes will only keep you from realizing your true fantasies.
Determine your limits
Go back over your list. Estimate your threshold for each activity by comparing it to prior experiences with intense sensations that you found erotic (or past S/M scenes). Realistically, evaluate whether you want light, medium or heavy play in each area of interest. Remember that each activity may be combined with additional sensory input during a session, which will multiply your perception. Novices should start with light play only; you can always increase the intensity. And most importantly don’t say “you can do anything with me, Mistress” because an experienced Dominatrix will use that opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Don’t try to impress by overstating your limits you won’t!
Some activities require specific toys and equipment. Figure out your special needs such as: suspension rig, cross dress wardrobe, electric shock devices, etc. Don’t assume that every Mistress can provide the correct equipment. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for something unusual such as “cabled knee socks”, go out and buy some to present to the Mistress in session.
Decide what you need in a Mistress
Think about what are the most important qualities you would like to find in a Mistress. Consider such elements as personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Some Mistresses have a friendly, compassionate, flexible play style while other Mistresses have a distant, haughty, imperial play style. In order to learn about a client’s preferences, I often ask them (a) who they have seen in the past, (b) what worked with her, and (c) what did not work. Try going over your history to determine the fundamental characteristics for a successful encounter. Determine what sort of relationship you want. Do you like the short term, anonymity that a house, which employs several Dommes, can provide or do you prefer a long-term personal interaction with an independent Mistress?
House or Independent?
Decide which is right for you an independent Domme who works for herself or a Dominatrix on staff at a house of domination. There are pros and cons for each. Women who work independently often have a private studio (sometimes shared with another Domme), are more experienced and sincere, and offer a more personal connection. However independents are generally more expensive, more selective about their submissives, and less likely to see you at the last minute. Houses are less expensive, convenient, and offer opportunity for group sessions. However, the Mistresses at a house are sometimes less experienced, and may not be genuinely into the scene.
Look at ads
Keeping your own Dominatrix needs in mind, look at advertisements in backpage, local papers, and on the web. Take cues from the ads regarding the attitude, interests, dislikes, intensity, and style of the Dommes. Look for mentions of your specific fetish but don’t assume that a Mistress is not into your scene just because it isn’t listed in her ad. Be wary of a Dominatrix who doesn’t show her face this denotes a reluctance to be associated with S/M, which I see as an indication that she isn’t really into the scene (generalization not true in every case). Do not allow yourself to be swayed away from your specific needs just because a Mistress looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite fetish wear. You will be disappointed if you are mismatched in other crucial areas.
Don’t think that less is more; don’t try to save money by going to someone based on tribute alone, if she doesn’t know what she is doing she could seriously hurt you. If finances are a concern I advise visiting a well-known house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive Mistress who probably won’t have much equipment, wardrobe or experience and might not be safe. Dominas with fully equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high overhead, and demand a higher tribute, but they generally have more technical and safety expertise.
How to write a letter or email
Write a polite, submissive, concise note outlining your specific interests including your thresholds (i.e. light spanking, heavy CBT). Enclose whatever information or tribute she has requested or you may not receive an answer. Dominas often screen applicants by ignoring the ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity, this is necessary because so many applicants are insincere and Mistresses receive many many letters and emails. Unless requested, you do not have to send a photo or jpeg of yourself. Clearly indicate the dates you going to be in her area if traveling and write well in advance as most Dommes get so much correspondence they can’t keep up. Including contact information (email, phone, pager) will greatly increase your sincerity rating in her eyes. If you are worried about discretion, get a pager or voicemail number or buy an inexpensive PO box. Believe Me, it is well worth the investment. Make sure your address or contact info is on every page of your letter more than once I have lost the envelope for letters that only had the return address on the envelope. Finally wait and wait and wait for a reply. She is probably not going to have time to get back to you immediately.
Of course you will be nervous when you call, that is expected, everybody is nervous. Just make the call. Then follow my directions:
a) Introduce yourself before you start asking questions. Everyday I have to interrupt rude callers to find out whom I am speaking to…most annoying!
b) If you are making up a name choose something unusual instead of Bob, Steve, or John there are already too many of those make up something unusual and easy to remember for both of you.
c) Call at a decent time.
d) If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She is there to answer your questions and book appointments. Leaving a message for the Mistress probably won’t get a response unless she already knows you.
e) When speaking to a Dominatrix ask if she is seeing new clients, tell her what you want, ask questions about her facility, experience level, her specialties or interests, hours, tribute, etc. However, don’t try to press her into saying she does certain things such as golden showers, or dildo training. Those activities are illegal and she may not want to discuss them on the phone or she may deny that she does them. Indicate your interest in those areas and see if she still encourages you to visit her.
f) Remember that she is assessing you so don’t keep her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle chitchat, let her know that you respect and value her time.
g) Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all before.
h) Don’t hang up when she answers or call just to hear her voice on the machine she might have caller ID or *69 to call you back, and it will make her angry with you.
i) Don’t make an appointment if she seems overly pushy to book you, it sounds like you won’t like her, she is too bossy or disrespectful, or you seem mismatched.
j) Don’t book a time if you can’t make it or you aren’t really sure (I turn down anyone who sounds the least bit doubtful).
k) Write down the directions. Note any assignments she gives you and the answers to your questions so that you can review later.
l) If you can’t keep your appointment, call to cancel as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because no-shows cost money if she saves time for you.
Call to confirm as instructed. Be on time. Leave if she seems to be drunk or on drugs because that is a very dangerous combination with BDSM. Leave if the Dominatrix is not who you saw in the photo. Leave if there is no equipment or wardrobe (if these elements are important to you). Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly maintained because it may indicate unsafe practices.
What to expect in a session
A receptionist might answer the door, or the Mistress may answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a room for her to finish up with another client. You might have to fill out a questionnaire about your likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front. You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief meeting with the Mistress (but legally she can’t tell you to undress without risk, so take a hint). She might give you a safeword (a word that will let her know you can’t take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act according to her directions – some Mistresses demand strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others don’t care if you act submissive. Don’t have unrealistic expectations the session will not match your fantasies perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line script. Be open to her and let her do her thing you might find it better than your script.
What to do so she may allow you to come back
Be clean. Be respectful. Be obedient. If you really want to make an impression, bring her a little something such as a gag, blindfold, scented candle or flowers. Go over your likes/dislikes with the receptionist or Domina so that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a sheet about your interests but do not expect her to accept it. Speak up if she has pushed beyond your limits – a good Domme will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don’t try to impress by surpassing your limits. Understand that she may have another client waiting so don’t hang around so long that she has to come out and tell you about her next appointment. Help her to clean up. Demonstrate your gratitude tell her how great the session was and that you want to see her again.
If she works in a house of domination, tip her only if you Like . She only gets a percentage of the full tribute. It is not necessary to tip an independent Mistress.
Afterwards write down your impressions, wait a few days to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, despised during, and relished after the act. That is a part of masochism doing things that you don’t like. Evaluate whether you want to see her again and figure out the positive and negative elements so that you can pass that information on to the next Domina you see whether it is her or someone else. Adjust your list of limits if you have learned more about your preferences. When you call again don’t be vague saying “Hi, its Joe” there are a lot of guys named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name, appearance, what you did in session, etc without her having to ask.
If you follow My advice you will know enough about your preferences and the protocol to realize your fantasies with the right Dominatrix.